COWBOY BEBOP (c) SUNRISE · BONES · BANDAI VISUAL 1998 SESSION #22 - COWBOY FUNK Written By Keiko Nobumoto Dialogue Translation By Rika Takahashi/ZRO Limit Transcript By RFBlues --------------------------------------------------------------------------- OPENING CREDITS A shopping center. A serial bomber by the name of Teddy Bomber (TB) sets up a teddy bear bomb at the middle section of the two buildings. He laughs out loud on an escalator. From behind, Spike puts the bear on his shoulder. SPIKE: You forgot something. TB: A-As you can see, I'm just some old man. Unfortunately, I don't have any children, either... SPIKE: I never said it was yours. TB: Oh, was it a customer's? I will hold it, then - TB reaches for it. Spike puts the bear on the hand rest of opposite escalator. SPIKE: How about it? Wanna go somewhere? SPIKE: It's a little to early to go to bed... TB: I'm an early riser... I sleep early. SPIKE: If you want a prim and proper life, I have just the place for you. A hotel where you get three meals and a bodyguard, all for free. TB: I'm sure that's impossible without a reservation. Spike smiles. SPIKE: I'm talking about Hotel PRISON, Teddy Bomber. TB: I'd rather not, Spike Spiegel. SPIKE: Oh, you know me? TB: It's a popular story among criminals that we never want to be caught by you, or by Andy. SPIKE: Andy? TB: I will fulfill my objective! TB ducks in a corner and pushes the button. Nothing happens. SPIKE: It won't blow up. I took out the ignition pin. Spike gives him a beating. SPIKE: Three million Woolongs, graciously accepted. TB: That's not the only bear. TB rolls up his sleeve to reveal several more detonators. SPIKE: You'll die, too. TB: I love them to death. SPIKE: Why do you want to blow stuff up so much? TB: Ya wanna know? I am giving a warning. I am ringing a bell of warning! All right, be mindful of what I say! Whistling. Suddenly a horse and a rider crash through the glass window. It is a man dressed in the guise of an old-fashioned cowboy, Andy. TB: Andy! SPIKE: Andy? ANDY: Call me Wyatt Earp. Andy points a pistol at Spike. ANDY: YOU! Teddy Bomber, serial bomber! SPIKE: ME?! ANDY: The fact that you'd plant a bomb here today was easy for ME to figure out after calculating YOUR criminal cycles. SPIKE: You don't think that's him? ANDY: He's a security guard! SPIKE: Just look at his face! ANDY: In this day and age, a face means nothing. SPIKE: Then what is the basis of your theory?! ANDY: That is... my gut instinct. Yes, INSPIRATION! TB escapes. Spike chases after him. SPIKE: Hey, wait! ANDY: WAIT! Andy lassos Spike by the neck and Spike falls flat on the floor. Outside, TB detonates a bear bomb. The middle section collapses. ANDY: OH, SHIT! SPIKE: That's why I said Teddy Bomber was THAT guy, you idiot! ANDY: DANGEROUS! Andy rides outside, trampling Spike. ANDY: That was a close one. Giddy up! Andy rides away. Session #22 COWBOY FUNK The Bebop living room. JET: A horse? SPIKE: Yeah, a horse. FAYE: A horse, huh...? I thought something was fishy when you said you would nab that guy as part of your for aging trip. SPIKE: What do you mean by that? FAYE: You used up the food money for all four of us, didn't you? SPIKE: Oh, come on... FAYE: What did you use it on? SPIKE: If you think I'm lying, explain THIS on my back! Spike points to hoof marks on his back. JET: All right, I hear ya. The horse I can believe. FAYE: You can? JET: But you have to be more creative than a cowboy in a cowboy outfit. FAYE: Is that the problem? JET: Now if he was dressed like a samurai - FAYE: - that would be more plausible. Jet and Faye laugh. Ed finds data on Andy from the internet. ED: Here he is, little Andy! Little Andy is a guy in the YMCA! SPIKE: A Christian? ED: Nope. Young Men's Cowboy Association! FAYE: Oh? Such a thing exists? ED: But he got kicked out soon after joining. JET: The reason? ED: Because he caused others trouble! SPIKE: Of course! JET: Andy von de Oniyate, the noble son of Oniyate Ranch. FAYE: Hey, he's pretty cute. ED: 123 cases of property damage. 89 cases of destruction of public property. Many, many people injured. FAYE: A good match for SOMEONE we know. SPIKE: I told you he existed! JET: All right, I hear ya. A masquerade at the top floor of a tall skyscraper. Spike wears an ornate mask. Jet is dressed as a hippie. Faye is in a full gown. SPIKE: Any reactions? JET: None yet. However, we can't let it explode with all these people around. SPIKE: His only target is the building. He's not one for murder. JET: You think we can trust him? SPIKE: Guys like him are often concerned with their sense of style. JET: Well, this is the perfect party to hide yourself... Faye flirts with a waiter. FAYE: Did you know that a serial bomber is gonna come here? WAITER: To tell the truth, I didn't know. FAYE: Well, he's coming. Jet spots TB in a teddy bear suit. JET: Hey! The world is about LOVE AND PEACE! SPIKE: Yo. TB: H-How did you know it was me? JET: This lead the way to its papa. SPIKE: I think I woulda known in either case. TB: You guys just don't quit, do you? SPIKE: Speak for yourself. JET: Why do you want to blow things up so much? TB: Ya wanna know? I am giving out a warning. Listen, in this world the root of all evil - TB is interrupted by whistling. On a horse, Andy enters from an elevator. FAYE: A horse... JET: A cowboy... Andy points a pistol at Jet. ANDY: HEY, YOU! Teddy Bomber! JET: M-Me!? SPIKE: See, I told you. Andy points another pistol at Spike. ANDY: Or is it you over there? SPIKE: Do you have NO memory? We met just yesterday! ANDY: I have no recollection. SPIKE: YOU! HOST: Um, sir, your horse is an inconvenience. It's proving rather troublesome for our other guests... ANDY: OH! MY beloved steed Onyx is no ordinary horse! At times, she sets my troubled mind at ease; at others she is my chess partner. SPIKE: Like horses play chess! JET: It doesn't matter either way... TB in enraged. TB: I detest... being ignored! He detonates the bombs and rushes into an elevator. Spike takes to the emergency staircase. SPIKE: What happened to his sense of style?! Everyone rushes into elevators. Jet is caught in the crowd. JET: Calm down! I'm telling you to calm down! Love and peace, man! Faye and Andy on his horse ride down in an elevator. FAYE: Such a lovely horse. ANDY: Do you like her? FAYE: Would you like to be my escort? ANDY: Now, get behind me. TB drives off from the garage. Andy chases after him on his horse. In Swordfish, Spike fires at Andy. Andy shoots a rocket at Swordfish. SPIKE: You little...! Spike returns fire. TB crashes into a pole. He spots Andy riding toward him a trembles with fear. Andy completely ignore him and rides off after Spike. Andy and Spike continue to return fire. EYECATCH Andy's floating home at a harbor on Mars. Faye sits in a gaudy cowboy- themed room. FAYE: In my life, I've never seen such a tasteless room. Andy enters from the kitchen with two bowls of chunky soup. ANDY: Now, I present you with my special "SON-OF-A-GUN STEW." I'm sure you'll find it extremely delicious. Faye forces laughter. She tries a spoonful of the soup and gags. FAYE: Um... So why are you a bounty hunter? If you're so rich, uh, I mean if you have so much comfort in your life... ANDY: Why, Let's see... BECAUSE it suits me. That feeling a cowboy gets when he corners a bull. Andy laughs heartily. Faye forces laughter. FAYE: Oh... but you don't have to go after such a dangerous bounty, do you? Back on the Bebop. JET: I know why nobody wants to go after Teddy Bomber. Nobody wants to get a piece of the explosion! SPIKE: You think we can worry about that? Andy's abode. ANDY: Yes! I don't worry about things like that! Once I set my mind on something, I can see NOTHING else! FAYE: I think I've seen this personality somewhere before... Andy looks up. FAYE: Oh, nothing... ANDY: Now! Andy raises a glass. Faye follows suit. Andy looks into Faye's eyes. ANDY: Here's lookin' at my reflection, kid. FAYE: Cheers... The Bebop. Faye returns with a bag full of canned "SON-OF-A-GUN STEW." FAYE: Hi, I got a souvenir. ED: Yippie! A souvenir! A souvenir! SPIKE: I ain't gonna eat THAT! JET: Guess this is for dinner... SPIKE: I will NOT eat that! Ein barks. SPIKE: Your stomach will suffer. JET: But what about him makes you so hotheaded? FAYE: They're too similar. You know how similar people hate each other. SPIKE: What part of me is similar to that shit-headed idiot?! JET: The part that makes you damn troublesome. FAYE: Oh, Big Shot has already started. Faye turns on the monitor. PUNCH: Well, the last thing wehave to tell you is info about TB, Teddy Bomber. JUDY: Can you believe it? We got a message from him, just for this show! Judy pulls out a long roll of paper. PUNCH: What? Is that for real? She reads the letter. JUDY: Um, let's see... "Warning. This is for those who have made fun of me. My next job is your last chance. This time, I'll blow YOU up as well, like fireworks." PUNCH: My, my, he doesn't sound calm. JUDY: "That is, if you know where I will set up next. Heh, heh, heh. And lastly, I will tell you my true intent - " PUNCH: Whoops! Looks like time is up for us. That's all for today. The closing credits roll. JUDY: I'm sorry I couldn't read all of it, TB. PUNCH: Well, until next time... JUDY: Good luck! ED: The next one's in City Hall... JET: You figured it out already? ED: TB is blowing up tall buildings starting with the tallest one... FAYE: The reason was THAT simple? JET: What are you gonna do? I'm getting outta this one! FAYE: I'm gonna pass, too. Spike, what are you going to do? SPIKE: Like you have to ask? Outside City Hall. TB: LATE! Dammit! If they think they can get away with this, they are sorely mistaken - Spike arrives. SPIKE: You alone? TB: How dare you take so much time to get here - ! Spike hears whistling. SPIKE: Wait! Old Man Jobin walks by whistling. SPIKE: Wrong guy... TB: I have never intended humans as targets! But you guys are different! Guys like you deserve - He is interrupted by whistling. SPIKE: He's here... Andy rides toward them on his horse. ANDY: YOU! It was you! SPIKE: So you finally remember me. You always - ANDY: You ALWAYS butt in and get in my way! SPIKE: YOU'RE the one that's in the way! TB: Now that I have both of you here, I will tell you. The reason why I continue to blow buildings up. That is because - Andy and Spike completely ignore TB. ANDY: Today, we are going to settle the score once and for all. SPIKE: WHAT?! That's MY line! TB: Listen to what I have to say! SPIKE & ANDY: Shut up! ANDY: And you are? WHO ARE YOU?! TB: C-Can't you guys put some effort into your work?! TB detonates a bomb and runs. SPIKE: We have to catch HIM first! ANDY: Wait! Spike and Andy chase after him leading them into an elevator. The doors close. TB stands in another car. TB: You guys take me too lightly. That elevator's doors will never open again. And once it starts moving, that's the end. It will never stop. At the top floor, my cute little bears will greet you. So, the moment that the elevator reaches the top floor: BOOM! Well, live what little you have of your life left without regret! Farewell, and good luck. The elevator ascends. ANDY: Rest assured. I understand... I KNOW how he does things. SPIKE: Don't worry. I know how he does - Spike opens up the control panel and pushes a few buttons. Nothing happens. ANDY: This afternoon, I reverted the secret emergency code that had been changed. YEAH! SPIKE: I reverted it this afternoon! Change after change... means it's back to where it started! Andy fires a pistol. The bullet ricochets up and down the elevator. SPIKE: Stop, you idiot! ANDY: What do we do, what do we do?! OH, NO! Spike opens the ceiling door. Andy goes up the door as well. The two are stuck. SPIKE: Wah, stop, shit, it's too tight! YOU are in the way! ANDY: What?! Get outta the way, dammit! The elevator reaches the top floor. The bears explode. Outside the building. TB: Farewell... Come to think of it, they were brave young men... Faye taps TB on the shoulder. FAYE: Hey! TB turns around. Faye punches him out. Spike and Andy miraculously survive. They begin to race to the remains of the top floor. From the ground, Jet and Faye watch Spike and Andy climb. FAYE: They're climbing... those two monkeys... JET: They like high places. FAYE: So they ARE similar... JET: Let's just go back... FAYE: Then I'll go turn him in. Faye kicks TB tied up on the ground. At the remains of the top floor. ANDY: YOU don't even deserve to be called a cowboy. SPIKE: I will never for give you. The exchange gunfire. They run out of bullets and begin to fight with their fists. Spike fails to hit Andy. Enraged, he punches a crumbling wall. This causes a chain reaction, causing the ground beneath Andy to up heave. Andy hangs on to the edge. He climbs back up and. ANDY: I lose... Spike is baffled. Andy approaches Spike. ANDY: That was some punch! You are a true cowboy. As of today, I will no longer be a cowboy. This really is a hats-off!. Andy puts his cowboy hat atop Spike's head. Andy's horse enters the floor by way of another elevator. SPIKE: So... what are ya gonna do now? ANDY: I will no doubt find a new way of life... See you, space cowboy! Andy rides his horse to the elevator. Spike stares at Andy, jaw agape. The Bebop. Spike eats large spoonfuls of "SON-OF-A-GUN STEW." SPIKE: Well, it was only a rich boy's hobby. His level, no, rank was really no match for me. Hey, are ya listening? JET: Yeah, yeah. SPIKE: So, he just wasn't any enemy of mine. Of course, I never had him in my line of sight. Hey, are ya listening? JET: Yeah, yeah. Somewhere on the road. A policeman converses with the arrested TB in a police truck. OFFICER: But anyway, why did you want to blow stuff up so much? TB: I wanted to give a warning against all the unnecessary waste created by capitalism lacking philosophy. Planets that needlessly get colonized. Media that needlessly get circulated. And buildings that are needlessly tall to symbolize all of this! And by destroying them, I wanted to raise the question of how a true pioneer should be. ANDY: Wait, wait, WAIT! TB looks out the window. Andy, riding on his horse, is dressed in the guise of a samurai complete with two katanas. TB: Andy! ANDY: Call me... MUSASHI! Go, JIROUMARU! TB: But... It was all a waste, wasn't it...? The policeman taps TB's shoulder. SEE YOU SPACE SAMURAI... CLOSING CREDITS COMING EPISODE ANDY: So, did you pay close attention to me and my wonderful role? SPIKE: Hey, wait a minute... ANDY: Now, the next episode, the next story - SPIKE: Why are YOU doing the preview? ANDY: Once again, it's time for me, Andy, to have an active role in the story! SPIKE: Your turn on the stage is already over! ANDY: Now that I'm a space samurai, watch me completely crush cowboys left and right! SPIKE: You're not appearing in the show anymore! ANDY: Next episode of Cowboy Bebop: "Andy Strikes Back!" SPIKE: The title is nothing like that! Please look forward to it! Next Session BRAIN SCRATCH